New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Randomize
