i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
