Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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