i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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