Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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