i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
