I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
There's always time for handjobs
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
