Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Randomize
