There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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