I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
