I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
