he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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