The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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