who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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