every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
