We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
