Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
