it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
