Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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