At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I can't turn off my feet"
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
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