I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
