from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Randomize
