my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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