You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
