Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
