Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
