I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
