every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
