The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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