Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
