And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
