Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
