The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity�
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
