i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
