if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
