Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Randomize
