if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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