Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
