Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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