My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
