I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
