Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
