Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
