Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
