There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
