well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
