First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
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