i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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