Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
