Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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